Closing

Writing this feels wierd, awkward, like a dream. Most of the time I don't realize when life has moved on. I just suddenly look at myself in the mirror and go, "When did my hair get this long?" "When did these jeans get so short?" This school year is basically over but I still feel like a baby freshman. This year has changed me so much, yet I am the same. All the insecurities, all the worries, the hopes - they're all still there. New experiences and realizations are just piled on top, making me a slightly different person. I didn't accomplish any of the goals that I had intended this year, but as I look at the goals I wanted to achieve I wonder if they were really the right goals for me. Most of my blogs that are more free written struggle with the concept of how to be happy, how to be yourself. My main goal this year was to be myself but I don't think that was the right goal for me because I don't think I really know who I am. Actually I think thats wrong. I know who I am but I'm confused as to whether thats who I want to be. The image of me in my head, and the person I truly am - are two different people. My writing reflects the confusion I feel inside of me. The quotes about living to the fullest, about not living in moderation, about getting up and crying or jumping for joy, the quotes about letting go and letting love in; all reflect the person in me who wants to stand up and be loud and outgoing. But I think my real calling is being an observer. Sometimes it is hard to come to term with who you are because the way you see yourself is different from who you are or who you want to be.
           One of the best ways to look at who you are and what you represent is to look at your friends. When I do that the confusion just piles up because my friends are all so different, all so unique, they all have something going with them that is so completely different from me. But I think they all have one thing in common: they aren't judgmental. I think the fact that none of my friends are very judgmental reflects the strangeness of myself. Time and time again I've been told I'm wierd, I'm awkward, I'm shy. THey're probably right, for a teenager I am definitely wierd. I hate junk food, I love learning, I like my parents music (Dave mathews, ROb THomas, Zydeco, Neville Brothers), I love yoga, I get up 7:30 everyday, I hate sleepovers, I'm okay to just hang out by myself and write or read. I think this blog is letting out who I want to be. I think I get shy sometimes because I feel like If i Say something people are going to judge me. I am different, I don't see eye to eye on everything. Because people get annoyed if you disagree with them I think I stop saying some of the stuff I'd like to. My blogs reflect this message and I think the current song which I forgot the name of that says, "Not everybody lives but everybody dies." Really sums up how I feel sometimes. Also 'Airplanes" is a great song that sums my feelings.
                        Through all of this writing I've learned a lot about who I really am and what I really want. I realize that I am a complicated person. I am a omnivert; an introvert and an extrovert. Someone who is shy and loud. I realized that I have my good days and my bad days and that I should just accept it. I also realize that I need to be who I truly am more. Stop worrying about what other people are doing, stop caring about what they are doing. By having realized so much about myself I have also accomplished a greater self peace and less anxiety. I think the blog was great. It forced me to let out what was inside. THANK YOU MRS. GIlMAN!